Control

Control. I've always needed, wanted, and yearned for control in my life.

I grew up with an overbearing father who would tell me how I should think and even feel. So I took control of what little I could. One area was food. I could control how much food I put in my body. Even if it was too much. It was always too much. I became overweight by the age of five. That's when my father started controlling what I ate, too. But I would sneak food. Hide it my bedroom, get up in the middle of the night to eat, or con my mother into giving me what I felt like I needed.

I hated being fat. I hate being fat. Every week I start a new diet plan."I'm going to get this under control." But over-eating has now become a habit, an old friend. I want to control it. And then I fail yet again. Berate myself. And promise to try harder next time. It's like every time I try to control this thing that I started to exercise my ability to control the, less control I have.

I've been reading or rereading John Ortberg's book "The Me I Want To Be". In it, he talks about not trying harder but trying softer. Try softer? Ok. What does that look like? I'll get back to this thought.

Further on in the book, I read that one needs to take control of their thoughts. Control. Ortberg uses science to back up his thesis. The thoughts we dwell on physically become stronger and turn into second nature. Awesome. Meaning,if I can change my thoughts, the less likely I am to go back to those bad habits keeping me from being the me God intended me to be.

I can control it!

But wait. Aren't I suppose to be giving up control? Ok. Now I'm dizzy.

So where am I going with this? Maybe you can try softer and control your thoughts. But maybe it doesn't look like one might expect.

Ortberg says, its not about trying not to think about the unwanted thing. But, changing what you think about completely. Focus on those things that are positive and the negative thought would eventually die away.

My whole life I developed crushes on one boy after the other. In the midst of the crush, I could do nothing but think of that boy. Then, slowly it would change to another boy, eventhough the thought of not loving/thinking about the old crush would seem impossible. If I can switch from one boy to another, what's stopping me from stopping all together? After all, its only the longing to be loved that keeps the fantasies strong. I have the love of the Most High. Instead of saying to myself, "Stop thinking about that boy, Laura," I turn my focus on the love God has for me.

So how do I stop over-eating? First, I recognize that it is all about self-satisfying. I can make myself feel good by eating whatever and how much I want. But in the end I just feel like a fatty and a failure.

Secondly, I focused on what an amazing gift this body God gave me is. I need to take care of it. If someone were to give me a diamond, I would protect and care for it night and day. Why not think that way about my body, too?

Will this transformation happen over night? It hasn't yet. It's going to be a process. And as soon as I change one thought there will be another to reroute. Will I ever be the me I want to be? I dont know. But I won't find out unless I try. But trying softer is the key.

This is where I'm starting. Where will you start?

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.