Life

Last week, I celebrated the 5 year anniversary of the day I tried to take my own life. I didn't celebrate the day, but I celebrated all the days since.

I can't believe the difference perspective, purpose, and momentum all make on a person's life.

My perspective is brighter, lighter, and more positive because I now choose to focus on the right things.

Philippians 4:8 NIV

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

My purpose, even though it isn't always clear, is given me by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He loves me, He knows my heart's desires, and He has a plan for me. Makes me cry every time I think about it. It's extremely freeing.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Because of the first two, the momentum of my life is drastically changed. Before, I would spend hours doing nothing but sit in self-pity. I had a "woe is me" life. But now, I know that I chose that perspective. I was going nowhere. I'm no longer stagnant. I'm moving. I'm moving through a life that is more real, more satisfying, and more significant than I could have ever imagined.

I'm thriving because God has the steering wheel of my life. I trust in His plans for me. They may not be what my old self wanted or expected . But this is His parade, not mine. I'm just lucky to be invited to march in it.

Every day, I thank Him for all of my blessings. And every day He pours more on me.

Life is amazing!

I can't believe that I almost gave it all up 5 years ago.

Dream 1

Live, Laugh, Love, and Laura is the title of my blog. So far I have written about myself, life and hopefully love. But I've yet to bring you laughter. Well, let me hopefully remedy that.

I don't know about you, but my dream life is CRAZY. I wake up most days laughing hysterically. Last night was no different. Enjoy.

I was a pizza delivery driver. But I wasn't just any pizza delivery driver. I was a barefoot, ninja, lawnmower driving, pizza delivery driver.

I was sent out to delivery pizza to...Bill Clinton?

Yes, folks. Out of all the people I could dream about taking a pizza to, I subconsciously pick former president Bill Clinton. Not hottie Ryan Reynolds or my all time fav Paul McCartney. No Bill Clinton. Wow. Maybe I should seek counseling.

Anyway...Back to the dream.

In the process, I am warned by my ninja guru, Peter Fonda (Don't ask), of impeding danger. This danger included drunk riots, rabid dogs, and angry Asian housewives.

Why angry ASIAN housewives? I don't know. That's the part of the dream when I realized I was a ninja. I guess my subconscious likes to stereotype.

But sadly Billy Boy never got his large pepperoni pizza. After kicking the Asian housewives booty, I crashed my lawnmower and woke up.

I guess he gets a free one next time. :)

Hilarious! At least to me it is.

I feel very fortunate to have such wild dreams. In some ways it adds to the joy in my life. I watch and participate in a new movie every night. That movie is always entertaining and action packed.

The only downside...I'm exhausted when I wake up. Afterall, barefoot, ninja, lawnmower, pizza delivery is exhaustive!

Grateful

In the last week, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all I'm grateful for like many of you all.

I have an amazing biological and church family. My friends are uplifting and always there for me. I have a job and a comfortable home. And (don't laugh) I have the greatest dog on earth.

But as I was counting my blessings, someone very close to me was thinking she had nothing to live for. At first, when she told me, "I have nothing to be grateful for," I was angered. It was all I could do not to yell and slap her across the face.

See, she has everything I desire to have in my life. Stay at home mom of two amazing children and a loving and accepting husband. These are things that I have longed for so badly that the lack of them lead me to a suicide attempt 4 1/2 years ago. But she doesn't see them as blessings. All the other problems in her life overshadow them. She says, "what good do they do me when..."(fill in the blank).

What makes me think so differently than her? The environments we grew up in were identical to the most part.

Is it psychological? Is it physical? Is it theological?

Is it spiritual?

When I think about where I was at my lowest point and where I am now, there are only a few differences. Faith. Love. Grace. Joy. Purpose. Whatever word you use to describe the differences, it all boils down to...Christ.

I didn't know my worth in Christ. I didn't know that He had an awesome and perfect plan for me. A plan that didn't yet include a husband or children. But it is a plan greater than my mind can fathom.

This knowledge of Christ is what my loved one is missing. She doesn't know of His plan and purpose in her life. She believes in God. She believes Jesus Christ died and rose again. But her heart doesn't understand that it was ALL for her.

How many people in my life are just like her?

I choose to spend a lot of my time with those who get their worth in Christ. And I take for granted that many more people I encounter everyday don't get it.

How do I show my loved one and others how much they are worth to Christ? How do I help her see all she has to be grateful for?

When I tell her, she doesn't hear me. The enemy has her deaf and blind to my message. I try to show her by using my life as an example. But she still doesn't see it.

So I pray. And that is enough. He has a plan for her. Whether she gets it now or in 20 years. It's all up to Him. Not her and not me.

For me, I add two more things to my list of things to be grateful for...I'm thankful for all those who prayed for me when I was deaf and blind. And that God has it all figured out. I just have to have faith. A faith that gives me purpose. A faith that gives me true joy. A faith that brought me back from death.

Enough

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

Cuz All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King, You're everything
Still more awesome than you know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're enough, you're enough, you're enough for me...



Will this song written by Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio ever be my reality?

I pray for it several times a day. And several times a day I still struggle with wanting more.

This week my church was challenged to give up something that makes us comfortable. The goal is to put God in His due place of, Lord of our lives. Reminding us that we were not here to be comfortable but to bring His kingdom. I kinda cheated and gave up the same thing I have been trying to give up for years but have spent the last month working exclusively on...My ongoing fantasy/daydream of how I would like life to be.

This fantasy perpetuates the idea that God is not enough for me. No matter how many times I SAY that He is or even THINK He is. As long as I dream my life situation was different, I will never FEEL that He is all need. It's head knowledge, not heart knowledge. Reality is that more money, better looks, or a boyfriend will not change His love or the person that He meant me to be.

But every day I struggle. And every day I feel like I'm some how failing God.

But am I failing or am I human?

I don't know.

Control

Control. I've always needed, wanted, and yearned for control in my life.

I grew up with an overbearing father who would tell me how I should think and even feel. So I took control of what little I could. One area was food. I could control how much food I put in my body. Even if it was too much. It was always too much. I became overweight by the age of five. That's when my father started controlling what I ate, too. But I would sneak food. Hide it my bedroom, get up in the middle of the night to eat, or con my mother into giving me what I felt like I needed.

I hated being fat. I hate being fat. Every week I start a new diet plan."I'm going to get this under control." But over-eating has now become a habit, an old friend. I want to control it. And then I fail yet again. Berate myself. And promise to try harder next time. It's like every time I try to control this thing that I started to exercise my ability to control the, less control I have.

I've been reading or rereading John Ortberg's book "The Me I Want To Be". In it, he talks about not trying harder but trying softer. Try softer? Ok. What does that look like? I'll get back to this thought.

Further on in the book, I read that one needs to take control of their thoughts. Control. Ortberg uses science to back up his thesis. The thoughts we dwell on physically become stronger and turn into second nature. Awesome. Meaning,if I can change my thoughts, the less likely I am to go back to those bad habits keeping me from being the me God intended me to be.

I can control it!

But wait. Aren't I suppose to be giving up control? Ok. Now I'm dizzy.

So where am I going with this? Maybe you can try softer and control your thoughts. But maybe it doesn't look like one might expect.

Ortberg says, its not about trying not to think about the unwanted thing. But, changing what you think about completely. Focus on those things that are positive and the negative thought would eventually die away.

My whole life I developed crushes on one boy after the other. In the midst of the crush, I could do nothing but think of that boy. Then, slowly it would change to another boy, eventhough the thought of not loving/thinking about the old crush would seem impossible. If I can switch from one boy to another, what's stopping me from stopping all together? After all, its only the longing to be loved that keeps the fantasies strong. I have the love of the Most High. Instead of saying to myself, "Stop thinking about that boy, Laura," I turn my focus on the love God has for me.

So how do I stop over-eating? First, I recognize that it is all about self-satisfying. I can make myself feel good by eating whatever and how much I want. But in the end I just feel like a fatty and a failure.

Secondly, I focused on what an amazing gift this body God gave me is. I need to take care of it. If someone were to give me a diamond, I would protect and care for it night and day. Why not think that way about my body, too?

Will this transformation happen over night? It hasn't yet. It's going to be a process. And as soon as I change one thought there will be another to reroute. Will I ever be the me I want to be? I dont know. But I won't find out unless I try. But trying softer is the key.

This is where I'm starting. Where will you start?

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Love

The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. I've heard that several times in the last few years at Granger Community Church. Today, I'm spending time dwelling on that statement.

When it comes to the suffering in the world, indifference is much worse than hate. But I believe that in our culture we take this to an excruciating extreme.

How often do we see women and men staying in relationships that are physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. The act of abuse out of "love" is better than the alternative, no "love" at all. In my own life, I experience this in other ways. Either with a sarcastic friend/acquaintance, who pokes fun of me "out of love". Or with my sarcasm and criticism of those who I want to be liked by. But the truth is, in these scenarios, either I'm being hurt or I'm hurting another.

How messed up is that? The primary way I feel and express love is through pain. When do I start loving like Jesus and expecting that same kind of love in return?

I guess it goes back to how I express and define love.

I'm not saying that these people in my life don't honestly care about me. They do. They and I just don't know how or are scared to express it in a true way. And it all stems from vulnerability."If I joke, than we are all laughing." No rejection."I really like this person, but if he/she doesn't return those feelings, I'll be wounded. So I'm going to berate them in some way first." I'll reject you before you can reject me. And now I've manipulated you into having some sort of feelings for me. It may not be love, but its not indifference (I am so embarrassed knowing I have done this.)

Can't we find a place where we can love everyone without it becoming lopsided and twisted? Possibly. But first, we have to redefine love (or understand its true meaning.)

Love isn't sex, attraction, compatibility, romance, passion, wealth, success, or even marriage. Not that these are bad. They can be great. They are natural by-products of love, but not love itself. When we begin to think these attributes are love, we head down a path of sin. Lust, greed, pride, and envy all spawn from these false definitions of love.

So what is love?

Paul defined love in his first letter to the Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

I have heard these verses many many times. I know them in my head, but not in my heart. It's not like I don't understand them. It's that I don't recognize them. I don't see love in myself or most others. By this definition, we are all terrible lovers.

How do we become better lovers? The answer is simple and nothing new to my fellow Christ-followers. Be more like Christ. We have the instructions in the gospel. Jesus loved, truly loved all he came in contact with. He wasn't romantic, attracted, or drawn toward any one person. He loved them all equally and still does.

Does this mean you must like everyone and be liked by everyone? Do you think He liked everyone? Probably not. But he loved them. He loved them/us enough to die on the cross. That's love. That's truth.

None of this is original. I have heard it either in messages, books, or conversations (if any of you can pinpoint where I might have, please let me know.) But today this knowledge has moved from my head to my heart. As a single women over 30, I continually think to myself, "how great it would be to be loved." But when did I ever stop being loved?

Today, I'm asking myself this question as well as...Where in my life am I substituting attention for love? How do I deal with my perceived indifference? How do I use my new revelation in my life ministry? And, how do I become a lover like Christ?

I hope you all do the same.