Grateful

In the last week, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all I'm grateful for like many of you all.

I have an amazing biological and church family. My friends are uplifting and always there for me. I have a job and a comfortable home. And (don't laugh) I have the greatest dog on earth.

But as I was counting my blessings, someone very close to me was thinking she had nothing to live for. At first, when she told me, "I have nothing to be grateful for," I was angered. It was all I could do not to yell and slap her across the face.

See, she has everything I desire to have in my life. Stay at home mom of two amazing children and a loving and accepting husband. These are things that I have longed for so badly that the lack of them lead me to a suicide attempt 4 1/2 years ago. But she doesn't see them as blessings. All the other problems in her life overshadow them. She says, "what good do they do me when..."(fill in the blank).

What makes me think so differently than her? The environments we grew up in were identical to the most part.

Is it psychological? Is it physical? Is it theological?

Is it spiritual?

When I think about where I was at my lowest point and where I am now, there are only a few differences. Faith. Love. Grace. Joy. Purpose. Whatever word you use to describe the differences, it all boils down to...Christ.

I didn't know my worth in Christ. I didn't know that He had an awesome and perfect plan for me. A plan that didn't yet include a husband or children. But it is a plan greater than my mind can fathom.

This knowledge of Christ is what my loved one is missing. She doesn't know of His plan and purpose in her life. She believes in God. She believes Jesus Christ died and rose again. But her heart doesn't understand that it was ALL for her.

How many people in my life are just like her?

I choose to spend a lot of my time with those who get their worth in Christ. And I take for granted that many more people I encounter everyday don't get it.

How do I show my loved one and others how much they are worth to Christ? How do I help her see all she has to be grateful for?

When I tell her, she doesn't hear me. The enemy has her deaf and blind to my message. I try to show her by using my life as an example. But she still doesn't see it.

So I pray. And that is enough. He has a plan for her. Whether she gets it now or in 20 years. It's all up to Him. Not her and not me.

For me, I add two more things to my list of things to be grateful for...I'm thankful for all those who prayed for me when I was deaf and blind. And that God has it all figured out. I just have to have faith. A faith that gives me purpose. A faith that gives me true joy. A faith that brought me back from death.

Enough

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

Cuz All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King, You're everything
Still more awesome than you know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

You're enough, you're enough, you're enough for me...



Will this song written by Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio ever be my reality?

I pray for it several times a day. And several times a day I still struggle with wanting more.

This week my church was challenged to give up something that makes us comfortable. The goal is to put God in His due place of, Lord of our lives. Reminding us that we were not here to be comfortable but to bring His kingdom. I kinda cheated and gave up the same thing I have been trying to give up for years but have spent the last month working exclusively on...My ongoing fantasy/daydream of how I would like life to be.

This fantasy perpetuates the idea that God is not enough for me. No matter how many times I SAY that He is or even THINK He is. As long as I dream my life situation was different, I will never FEEL that He is all need. It's head knowledge, not heart knowledge. Reality is that more money, better looks, or a boyfriend will not change His love or the person that He meant me to be.

But every day I struggle. And every day I feel like I'm some how failing God.

But am I failing or am I human?

I don't know.