Control

Control. I've always needed, wanted, and yearned for control in my life.

I grew up with an overbearing father who would tell me how I should think and even feel. So I took control of what little I could. One area was food. I could control how much food I put in my body. Even if it was too much. It was always too much. I became overweight by the age of five. That's when my father started controlling what I ate, too. But I would sneak food. Hide it my bedroom, get up in the middle of the night to eat, or con my mother into giving me what I felt like I needed.

I hated being fat. I hate being fat. Every week I start a new diet plan."I'm going to get this under control." But over-eating has now become a habit, an old friend. I want to control it. And then I fail yet again. Berate myself. And promise to try harder next time. It's like every time I try to control this thing that I started to exercise my ability to control the, less control I have.

I've been reading or rereading John Ortberg's book "The Me I Want To Be". In it, he talks about not trying harder but trying softer. Try softer? Ok. What does that look like? I'll get back to this thought.

Further on in the book, I read that one needs to take control of their thoughts. Control. Ortberg uses science to back up his thesis. The thoughts we dwell on physically become stronger and turn into second nature. Awesome. Meaning,if I can change my thoughts, the less likely I am to go back to those bad habits keeping me from being the me God intended me to be.

I can control it!

But wait. Aren't I suppose to be giving up control? Ok. Now I'm dizzy.

So where am I going with this? Maybe you can try softer and control your thoughts. But maybe it doesn't look like one might expect.

Ortberg says, its not about trying not to think about the unwanted thing. But, changing what you think about completely. Focus on those things that are positive and the negative thought would eventually die away.

My whole life I developed crushes on one boy after the other. In the midst of the crush, I could do nothing but think of that boy. Then, slowly it would change to another boy, eventhough the thought of not loving/thinking about the old crush would seem impossible. If I can switch from one boy to another, what's stopping me from stopping all together? After all, its only the longing to be loved that keeps the fantasies strong. I have the love of the Most High. Instead of saying to myself, "Stop thinking about that boy, Laura," I turn my focus on the love God has for me.

So how do I stop over-eating? First, I recognize that it is all about self-satisfying. I can make myself feel good by eating whatever and how much I want. But in the end I just feel like a fatty and a failure.

Secondly, I focused on what an amazing gift this body God gave me is. I need to take care of it. If someone were to give me a diamond, I would protect and care for it night and day. Why not think that way about my body, too?

Will this transformation happen over night? It hasn't yet. It's going to be a process. And as soon as I change one thought there will be another to reroute. Will I ever be the me I want to be? I dont know. But I won't find out unless I try. But trying softer is the key.

This is where I'm starting. Where will you start?

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Love

The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. I've heard that several times in the last few years at Granger Community Church. Today, I'm spending time dwelling on that statement.

When it comes to the suffering in the world, indifference is much worse than hate. But I believe that in our culture we take this to an excruciating extreme.

How often do we see women and men staying in relationships that are physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. The act of abuse out of "love" is better than the alternative, no "love" at all. In my own life, I experience this in other ways. Either with a sarcastic friend/acquaintance, who pokes fun of me "out of love". Or with my sarcasm and criticism of those who I want to be liked by. But the truth is, in these scenarios, either I'm being hurt or I'm hurting another.

How messed up is that? The primary way I feel and express love is through pain. When do I start loving like Jesus and expecting that same kind of love in return?

I guess it goes back to how I express and define love.

I'm not saying that these people in my life don't honestly care about me. They do. They and I just don't know how or are scared to express it in a true way. And it all stems from vulnerability."If I joke, than we are all laughing." No rejection."I really like this person, but if he/she doesn't return those feelings, I'll be wounded. So I'm going to berate them in some way first." I'll reject you before you can reject me. And now I've manipulated you into having some sort of feelings for me. It may not be love, but its not indifference (I am so embarrassed knowing I have done this.)

Can't we find a place where we can love everyone without it becoming lopsided and twisted? Possibly. But first, we have to redefine love (or understand its true meaning.)

Love isn't sex, attraction, compatibility, romance, passion, wealth, success, or even marriage. Not that these are bad. They can be great. They are natural by-products of love, but not love itself. When we begin to think these attributes are love, we head down a path of sin. Lust, greed, pride, and envy all spawn from these false definitions of love.

So what is love?

Paul defined love in his first letter to the Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.

I have heard these verses many many times. I know them in my head, but not in my heart. It's not like I don't understand them. It's that I don't recognize them. I don't see love in myself or most others. By this definition, we are all terrible lovers.

How do we become better lovers? The answer is simple and nothing new to my fellow Christ-followers. Be more like Christ. We have the instructions in the gospel. Jesus loved, truly loved all he came in contact with. He wasn't romantic, attracted, or drawn toward any one person. He loved them all equally and still does.

Does this mean you must like everyone and be liked by everyone? Do you think He liked everyone? Probably not. But he loved them. He loved them/us enough to die on the cross. That's love. That's truth.

None of this is original. I have heard it either in messages, books, or conversations (if any of you can pinpoint where I might have, please let me know.) But today this knowledge has moved from my head to my heart. As a single women over 30, I continually think to myself, "how great it would be to be loved." But when did I ever stop being loved?

Today, I'm asking myself this question as well as...Where in my life am I substituting attention for love? How do I deal with my perceived indifference? How do I use my new revelation in my life ministry? And, how do I become a lover like Christ?

I hope you all do the same.